the hope seems to be gone... maybe entirely

the past few months i've been evaluating the lack of hope in my life. i've been working my ass off for the past year trying to fix all the CRAP in my brain the past three years. and it's been exhausting, and this is all the further i've come. and that kills me.

i've been really looking at what i have for so long thought God wants me doing, and wondering if i have it in me to do it well... or even do it at all!

i have (since i was a child myself) wanted kids. i have longed for a family to be a father and husband. but have found no delight in women for years. i worked my ass off over the summer to forgive the one who broke my heart last, thinking that might help. and i felt better but it did not help me gain interest... it wasn't my brokenness but rather my high standards. in december i sat down and talked with a woman (not a girl)[that met those standards(or so i thought)] by some hot springs. and it was all there in an over abundance (i don't know if it was more hope and trust, or if it just felt that way having not had any hope of hope and trust for so long) and she seemed to have interest to, but after experiencing a bit more of me she decided i wasn't what she wanted and ranoft (i'm not sure if i feel more broken, hopeless and distrust than before i met her or if it just feels that way). for the first time i felt i'd really sat and listened to God in the midst of interacting with another... like she was a gift and i did my best to be honest with her, tell her how i felt and honor what God had shown me... and she still didn't want to give things a real try. giving all i could and being honest and truthful about everything from the start and her being a woman as amazing as she is (i felt for the first time that i saw what God sees in us humans, in her) and it still not working, i often wonder if i should've just pulled that trigger years ago.

if i have to wait another four or five years to feel this again... than kids might be out of the question. i don't want to be an old man having it hurt to play with my kids, that's what grand kids are for.

maybe He's trying to teach me to settle, to live a life more ordinary... find someone who i can settle for... less spirited but will put in the effort to make things work the way i will. to just fix up my brain enough to get a regular job. but i just don't think i can... i don't think i have what it takes to look someone in the eye and feel (even deep down) that i'm just settling for them. or to just do a job to make ends meet. i just can not do such wretched things to the person i married as to think of them as what i'm settling for. or to God as to make ends meet just because, i need to. i know i'm evil inside (as i am a man post-fall) but these things exceed my limitations of evil (i'll never be a supper villain) and i've seen people who(it appeared to me) were doing just that and i just don't know how, but they seemed happy.

i'm almost certain that i'll have to do the unthinkable if this pathetic life(if you can call it that) of mine doesn't turn around in the next year. i've always had an amazingly high pain threshold (both physically and emotionally) and i feel that with out the pleasure, whats the point of enduring the pain? if you don't see kingdom being built just falling down around you, why endure more?

thanks for reading,
danny

p.s.: i cried writing this nearly the whole time and i'm not sure if i'll post it... but i probably will. and any who've known me long might notice the change in my ability to punctuate, inspired by the woman from the hot springs.